my review of final fantasy: the spirits within

ive decided im not putting real work into my film reviews on this blog at all, going forward. i hope thats ok

 final fantasy the spirits within (2001) is an incredibly visually and technically impresesive piece of computer type animation especially but not just for being older than me and 9/11.  those couple month it has on us (my buddy 9/11 and i ) are pretty important though, the movie starts out in the desolate ravaged ruins of nyc and a lot of it is set in new new york until it gets completely exxploded and on fire so im glad this movie was released before exploding new york became illegal in moveys.

anyway yeah it's astonishing how good the cg looks. thanks to the one hundred and thirty seven million dollars they poured into this project you get to watch the frizzy bits of our leading wasian* scientist's dry hair sway as she goes about her business. speaking of whom i dont like that she ceases to be a character when she gets a boyfriend; many such cases. we need to stop trying to domesticate  acerbic women but honestly none of these characters have much goin on anyway/. cid is there and i think that and a couple machines labeled Aetheric Fuckatron or someshit of the sort + #gaia were like the only final fantasy parts of this final fantasy movey.

i found its plot utterly fucking trite and could scarcely believe how much runtime it devoted to explaining the concepts of "the ghost-type aliens are actually for real the ghosts of aliens" & "the earth has a soul" and letting the audience come to grips with these revelations. it truly felt like nothing so much as a cutscene compilation for a mid as fuck shooter.

the most fun part of this movey was my freaking ex-wife pogging and pointing as she started to recognize each individual voice actor on this inexplicably star studded cast. watch it with friends or not at all.

* i think. shes voiced  by ming na-wen but the character looks wasian to me (i spent the whole movie trying to deduce whether shes supposed to be) and her name is Aki Ross and they make her speak a bit britishly. as a chinese woman who speaks kind of britishly i think we need fewer of those in the world. to this day i am actively trying to deprogram the received pronunciation brainwashing i recieved as a childlet/.

i put jeff the killer in my elfgame

"A dear friend [...] told me, "You must hatch from your insecurities like a bursting butterfly." I am good at things. I do know a thing or two.

I am trying to hatch.

But honesty is such a daring thing to do."

    -- Hilander, What Would I Write If I Wrote For Myself?
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Jane the Killer is a 21-year-old, ghostly pale white human woman from Calafia. Her eyes are a pure, inky black, like an elf's. She lives in a van with her mawas girlfriend Heedful Kong, who works remotely as a customer service representative for an ill-conceived SaaS startup. Jane is dour and emotionally stunted, but fairly competent at fulfilling her and Heedful's immediate physical needs. She is agonizingly paranoid about the FBI coming for her -- she could likely Jane the kill quite a few inquisitors, but it would set her back years if they forced her out of Dorothea, to which she moved in pursuit of her quarry. Heedful, by contrast, is warm, gregarious and quietly stubborn. She reads speculative fiction, keeps a savings account and thinks a lot about where they'll settle down when this is all over.

Jane is completely fixated on tracking down and personally Jane the killing Jeff the Killer, who Jeff the killed her parents. She finances her single-target vigilantism through her server job at a Yaga's. Jane hates the strain that living with a rogue antikiller is putting on her girlfriend and really wants to put this all behind her for Heedful Kong's sake. All she has to do is finish the fight.

She is empowered by the liquid hate in her veins. Liquid hate was developed by the Occult Research Bureau at the behest of the Federal Bureau of Inquisition in an ostensible attempt to create "antikillers", enhanced operatives intended to combat serial murder. Subjects injected with the compound either promptly expired or gained enhanced physical capabilities alongside roughly ninety minutes of uncontrollable homicidal rage, invariably losing most pigmentation in their skin and developing monochrome eyes. The project was quietly scaled back after proving prohibitively expensive to control. Jane is one of a handful of surviving antikillers to have escaped federal supervision.
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Jane the Killer
HD: 3  DEF: Leather  ATK: Kitchen knife (as shortsword) or Pounce (1d4, reach, move to target + target is grappled)
WANTS: To Jane the kill Jeff the killer and move on with her life.
Blood Time+: Jane the Killer's compatibility with the liquid hate coursing through her veins grants her accelerated healing, limb regeneration, parkour skills, vocal mimicry, increased running speed, enhanced strength, stamina, agility, stealth, accuracy, dexterity, durability, evasion and flexibility, increased tobacco tolerance, increased metabolism and knife proficiency. She can invoke any of these as skills to succeed at an applicable action, at the cost of DOOM damage equal to the number of times she's done so without sleeping.
Spring-Heeled Jane: Jane the Killer can jump pretty high.

Jeff the Killer
HD: 8 DEF: None ATK: Kitchen knife (as shortsword) Resist: DOOM Weak: HOT
WANTS: Catharsis, however cheap.
Smiling Broadly: Anytime on his turn, Jeff can choose to take 2 unavoidable Sharp damage to gain 2AP. Each subsequent time he uses this ability in a turn, double its damage.
No Rest: Jeff the Killer can never restore his HP through any means.
Wicked Visitor: Whenever a creature Jeff has wounded sleeps, the referee may choose for Jeff to emerge nearby.

Jane and Jeff's knives do not behave as swords in anyone else's hands.
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Liquid Hate
When you imbibe this sealed vial of murky purple fluid, the referee will start a stopwatch hidden from your view. Then, curse the names of any who have wronged you, and don't stop except to breathe. Detail their crimes against you, the violence you'll bring unto them, plagues you wish upon their house. When you're finally out of things to say, the referee reveals how long you went on for. If you went [30 - your STURDY] seconds or longer, you become an antikiller: gain +1 STRONG and +1 SLIPPERY and the ability Blood Time, lose most pigmentation in your skin and gain monochrome eyes the color of your Glitter. If you went for less time than that, you die. Liquid hate is extraordinarily hard to get one's hands on and could sell for a pretty penny to the right person, but you should probably be leery of the right person and also it's obviously contraband.

Blood Time: The liquid hate in your veins grants you the following skills: parkour, track sprinting, superstrength, contortionism, increased tobacco tolerance and flashy knifework. Invoking one of these skills deals DOOM damage to you equal to the number of times you've activated Blood Time without sleeping.
____________

If anyone, Jane or otherwise, successfully kills Jeff the Killer and survives, she and Heedful Kong disappear to wander for two weeks.

If you should cross paths again thereafter, she will have become starved for purpose. As an antikiller with no more Jeffs to kill and having been thoroughly fired from Yaga's, Jane is attempting a half-hearted stint as a highwaywoman. It won't take much at all to dissuade her from this course of action, and she's so desperate for something to Do with herself that she'll ask the crew for a suggestion; if the crew can collectively recommend one hobby or pursuit or w/e, she'll seriously consider it before you part ways. She's reluctant to kill again -- she's spent a long time preparing for that last murder.

The next time you cross paths with her and Heedful, Jane has a 1-in-12 chance to have stuck with and liked the pursuit you suggested her last; otherwise, she'll have given it an honest shot but glumly decided she was bad at it and abandoned the idea forever. If she has stuck with the suggested pursuit, she'll decide it's her new calling and change the operative verb in her name to a corresponding one, like Jane the Crocheter or Jane the Union Organizer or someshit, and effusively thank the player characters who suggested it.

____________

i think the single best part of born of science: jane the killer is when an fbi agent who is described as looking like walter white seemingly decides they've got their perfect supersoldier test subject on the basis that jane made her own pomegranate pancake syrup. he didn't even taste it first.

i have grace (<3) to thank for helping me talk through and develop every post i make these days.
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money's been tighter than before and i've just been rejected from my fourth seemingly-promising job interview in the past three weeks. i'd really, really appreciate any support you might be able to spare, if you've aught to spare. thank youuu for reading my blogg....

see you in court (GlitterGLOG Class: BALLER)

Zoltar, Elf Baller. 

Starting equipment: 
- a common basketball (2 slots);
- shorts and a jersey (clothing, 1 slot); 
- 2 rations’ worth of zip-locked PB&J sandwiches (2 slots);
- deodorant, towel (0 slots)

Failed Career: choose one -- college coach; statistician; municipal trash thrower

The common basketball is a two-handed throwing weapon that deals 1d4 Blunt damage and has a range of 6 squares. A successful attack with a thrown basketball causes it to rebound into your grasp; a miss causes it to fall on the targeted square, necessitating retrieval before continued use. Basketballs possessed of strange and fearsome power are known to exist in parts of Laurentia…

Level 1: dribble, dunk
Level 2: jump shot, +1 ball knowledge
Level 3: hang time, balling
Level 4: shot caller, dagger, +2 ball knowledge

Dribble: While wielding a basketball, you can move [BALLER LEVEL] more Steps.

Dunk: While attacking with a basketball from higher ground, you may leap to a square adjacent to your target before attacking. If this attack hits, the target is knocked prone. 

_________________________________________________________ 

Jump Shot: [3AP] Perform a vertical leap in place and immediately make a basketball attack at a target within range. This attack's range is increased by a number of squares equal to the amount of Ball Knowledge you have. If the attack hits, it deals an extra point of damage with your basketball’s damage type for every 3 squares traveled. 

_________________________________________________________ 

Hang Time: Whenever you jump, you may remain airborne until you attack or end your turn.

Balling: You gain +1 AC for every $500 worth of clothing you’re wearing. If autographed, each article of clothing is also worth $10 more for every game or fight you win while wearing it.

_________________________________________________________ 

Shot Caller: Whenever you land a basketball attack, you and/or an allied character who can see you may immediately move 1 Step.

Dagger: When you or an ally’s basketball attack reduces a combatant to 0 HP, sapient enemies who witnessed the act test Morale.

_________________________________________________________

 Ball Knowledge  (1d6)

1. Bank Shot: When you miss an attack with a basketball, you may choose to hit a different target within 2 squares.
2. Box Out: Non-allied creatures must spend 1 additional Step to enter squares adjacent to you.
3. Fadeaway: After performing a Jump Shot, the next attack against you before your next turn automatically misses as you flicker to an adjacent square.
4. Full-Court Press: Once per encounter, choose a non-allied creature you can see. The first time each round that creature moves, you may move 1 Step.
5. Outlet Pass: When you retrieve a basketball off the ground, you may immediately make an attack with it.
6. Sixth Man: When you end your turn without making any attacks, basketball or otherwise, you bank a Setup which may be spent to make a basketball attack for free on your turn. You may hold up to 3 Setups, and once you make any attacks at all you may not gain further Setups for the rest of the combat or encounter.

 

Magic B-Balls

FOOL ENDEAVOR: Printed to resemble the planet Here. Signed by some chump named “Mr. International.” Fool Endeavor has unlimited range, so long as the target is visible to the thrower. The ball does dramatically not gain or lose height and maintains momentum indefinitely during its flight when thrown in this way and rebounds much the same, but God help you if you miss.

RIOT TIME: A cheap, corny synthwave-inspired print in purple and creamsicle orange alternates between each rib, rendered pale and splotchy by sunbleaching and probable years of wear. Riot Time deals HOPE damage instead of Blunt. When a creature fails a Morale test because of you or an ally, all members of your crew recover 1HP.

_________________________________________________________

Notes 

i'm not a real knower or watcher of baseball. any ballologists or ballistas reading this, please feel free to tell me what you like or don't about this class. i was just divinely inspired by a vision of basketballer-as-acrobat while thinking about laurentia but then i looked at the og glog acrobat and didn't really like it and ended up making basketballer-as-fighter.

as with many of my best works these days, this got grace (<3) from 400 independent bathrooms and i chatting and workshopping until we were each making our own b-baller glog classes in parallel, researching in real time to fill in our extremely patchy knowledge of the sport as we went -- the "balling" feature is adapted from one of grace's inventions for a baller-as-rogue.

why make an entire class based around a sport i didn't know very much about? well, i figured the core combat loop created by this implementation of basketballs as a weapon type was worth exploring, i liked getting to represent and research a traditionally Black-centric part of american culture in my america fantasy game, and getting to put something together to show for it is a solid motivator for learning, and i thought implementing basketballs as a weapon type at all was funny but had legs.

i sometimes forget that i'm like, actually an amateur game designer with burgeoning skills and have peers i've been learning from, that i'm not just a floundering laywoman, until i get the right gentle push to Make Something and at the end of it i go "yeah that's pretty good i think". i like that they can do a little bit of wuxia shit and that their capstones turn them into a team captain.

d4 bags that are better than bag of holding

Thank you to grace from 400 independent bathrooms (<3) for helping me with this list; check out d4 bags worse than bag of holding over there.

1. Hallowed Vessel: This handheld plastic bucket, printed to resemble a turnip carved to resemble a face, automatically casts Turn Halloween with a devious giggle when its holder is attacked by a Halloween-type monster. It consumes approximately a big handful's worth of candy to do so, and will not deign to act unless it contains candy to consume in this way. 8 slots, and it'll grumble unhappily if you put anything other than candy or toys in it.

Hallowed Vessels printed or painted to resemble specific Halloween monsters will Turn Halloweens of that type without requiring payment.

2. Bag of Sharing: The contents of this 18 slot backpack are shared with a specific, random other Bag of Sharing somewhere in the world. You have access to all of its contents, and may freely withdraw or deposit anything within the bag, every other day; when it isn't your turn, your counterparts may do the same, and your bag cannot be opened. Cutting it open in this state simply renders your copy empty and inert and theirs into a normal bag. Abusing your bag will probably disincentivize your counterparts from placing anything nice in there, though it's certainly possible they might try and game it too. 

3. BaazR™ Subscription Bag: Using your BaazR™ Subscription Bag is Easy! Simply place any items you like within the Subscription Bag's 8 slots, then provide it with your billing information. Thereafter, anytime you deplete or otherwise lose any of those items, you'll find them conveniently replenished within your BaazR™ Subscription Bag. (You will be automatically billed the approximate market price of any item replenished in this manner.)

If, by some unimaginable calamity, you should ever be regrettably compelled to cancel one of your BaazR™ subscriptions, simply return the item you wish to stop receiving convenient instant refills on to the location from which you purchased it. Then, mail proof of your returns to the peak of any mountain before next sundown. You will receive a confirmation letter via conjured dove within 1d6 business days. Should you provide your assent to this letter and burn it over a fire containing the bones of an animal you've personally killed, your BaazR™ subscription will be cancelled in a further 1d6 business days, whereupon you will stop receiving the convenient instant refills we have so graciously provided you until you turned your back on us, you harlot. But we are known for our mercy and our grace as well as for having served customers throughout Laurentia for 43 years. The day wisdom finds you, the day you finally realize that you have always needed us, we'll let you back into the fold without complaint; we're here for you. All we'll need when that day comes -- and it will come -- is your credit card information, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. 

This process must be repeated for each item you wish to cancel your refills for. 

4. The Mailman's Flail: A 14 slot canvas messenger bag sturdy enough to be swung around by the strap as a medium blunt melee weapon. Upon a successful attack using this weapon against a creature to which a number of postage stamps equal to or greater than its hit dice have been applied, declare a valid mailing address. The creature will be instantly spirited to the front door (or closest approximation thereof) at the spoken address. The stamps must have been purchased or acquired from a recognized postal authority. In most dangerous circumstances, it takes 2 action points to apply a postage stamp.

one errant twitch (GlitterGLOG class: HERMIT)

HERMIT

 

Starting Equipment:

    - a handblaster -- choose one element for its damage type (1 slot)

    - military surplus jacket (medium armor) (2 slots) 

    - one of your IEDs (see below) (1 slot)

    - half a spool of copper wire (1 slot)

    - 3 rations of homemade pemmican (3 slots)

Failed Career: choose one -- assembly line worker; retail associate; sci-fi author

 

Level 1: off the grid, pipe dreams

Level 2: deadeye, the contraption

Level 3: mine crafter

Level 4: pipeline

 

Off the Grid: You've learned to channel your excess Glitter into the batteries you're always carrying, giving you a store of reserve energy for your blasters. Recharging a blaster with these batteries is a one-point action.

You have a maximum number of reserve charges equal to 5x[HERMIT LEVEL], replenishing every time you rest.

 

Pipe Dreams: You compulsively create an improvised explosive device every time you rest, and cannot derive any benefits from rest unless you do. You fashion these bombs in a fugue state from assorted garbage, so they cost nothing to produce but good luck explaining how you did it.

 

When thrown as a two-point action, your IEDs deal 1d6+2 ARTIFICE damage to a target within 5 squares as well as anyone adjacent to them. You can safely carry one IED on your person, but holding onto even two of them runs a 1-in-20 risk that every IED you're carrying detonates at once when you take any physical damage. The chance of such a detonation doubles for every additional IED on your person, up to 100% at six or more bombs.

 

 

Deadeye: Yours are the lightless eyes of a killer. If the maximum damage from a single shot with a blaster you're holding would reduce a creature to zero HP, you and they both know it when you look at them, and they'll react accordingly. If your eyes are obscured, only you know when this happens.

 

The Contraption: Your incessant tinkering has finally borne fruit in the form of a makeshift blaster of your own design. Choose what kind of blaster (handblaster, jitterblaster, rattleblaster, railer or boomstick) you've made when you gain this ability, and choose two elements for its damage type. You may change your Contraption's blaster type and/or elements while resting by irreparably dismantling other blasters with those traits, including bazingas.

 

Nobody but you understands how to fire your Contraption. It cannot recharge under its own power and must be charged with your batteries from Off the Grid. It is customary to name blasters after songs.

Mine Crafter: You may deploy your IEDs as mines on an adjacent square instead of throwing them. IEDs deployed in this manner detonate for 1d8+2 ARTIFICE damage on their square and adjacent when stepped on, shot, or otherwise activated with sufficient force.

 

Pipeline: You create an additional 1d6+1 IEDs every time you rest. 

addendum to my previous post, regarding chronicles of riddick

 oops

my review of chronicles of riddick: pitch black

my first sincere and meaningful engagement with riddick ever; my understanding had been and largely remains shallow and osmosed. the parts of this film that i could process, back when i had a capacity for higher thought, were interesting and tense. i mistakenly thought the male child was an interesting and nuanced adult lesbian at first. i liked the analog ass spaceship and the scary grabber animals. i didnt like how they killed like all the characters off first, it was frankly not very woke of riddick if i am going to be allowed to speak frankly around here. anyway the rest of the movie has already been lost to me because it takes priority that i am presently curled up like a beetle grub on my freaking ex wife/best friend in the world's couch and lap whilst texting my lovely gf. i like the parts with riddick vision.

the dwarf poast

 this post does not start with the dwarfs please be patient with me i ghave had  a revelation about my writing methods 

 

    BLATT

"They talk weird, they move weird and most'll hardly look at gold, let alone carry it. But ain't nobody more sensible and honest and willing to land a hand or four than one'a them roaches, if y'just ask."
-- Drelilah Korbes, human hashslinger

"Grandeur is folly. Glut is poison. Humility is strength and to survive is to share."
-- Tzzk, blattonoid elder

Blatts (formally called "blattonoids", colloquially known also as "roachlings" or occasionally among themselves as the reclaimed slur "vermen") are a diminutive species of quasi-humanoid insects. Resembling nothing so much as cockroaches standing at just under two feet tall, each of their six limbs ends in a four-fingered appendage that serves as both a foot and a prehensile grasper. In Laurentia,

According to legend, the blattonoids once ruled a vast subterranean empire until property disputes spiraled into a vicious internal war that ultimate saw its destruction -- but so hardy and resourceful were the blatts that, hiding underground, enough of them have survived to recoup their numbers. Whether or not this tale is literally true, many modern roachlings strive never to repeat the mistakes of their aristocratic forebears... though the occasional outlier yearns strongly enough for luxuries or glory or excitement to break away from the humble asceticism of blatt society.

yknow i was originally writing this post about all the setting's playable species in the sorta psuedomythic published & polished phb tone i'd written the blatts' entry in beforehand but ive been fuckin wiped these couple weeks, man. i'm never gonna write this blogpost at this rate so instead of all that lame shit i'll just explain dwarfs like i'm Talking to you. i'm writing a damn Poast for my blog with an audience of like two discord servers, not a book. what's my fucking problem why am i acting like this.


DWARF

society if being goth was normal

dwarfs are dour little manlets and maamlets and etc. who sorta look like theyve been flattened or crushed if you compare one with a human, wide and squashed in face and build. i draw them with big ol' eyes underlined by markings that resemble perpetual eyeliner and wide, thin-lipped mouths. their skintones are exactly as varied as those of humans but always desaturated to a grayish tint. 

my vision for their fashion hews kinda edwardian with 17th century baroque influence, especially among richer folk. canes are very on trend right now. im not a fashion history girlie but it is my hope, dream and belief that applying a laywoman's lens to white people history will produce something transformative and novel and not racist. among less bougie dwarfs, the look draws from, like, '60s british alt fashion with all the clannish enmity between youth subcultures that entails -- one such movement modernizes the aforementioned baroque influence into something resembling the shit teddyboys&girls were on.

i did not enjoy Variants Daphne, the dark fantasy gachaslop game-adjacent software that is the latest installment of the wizardry series, but its woefully bland setting contained exactly one aesthetic swing i was enamored with & yet have never once seen anybody else discuss. many of that game's dwarfs have hair covering most of their faces but for a single exposed eye. it's a fun, unique aesthetic twist, but this pearl is lost before the goonbrained slopswine who play this game, so lacking in any taste at all as to pog and point when the only one of the game's catgirls with any sauce at all gets an alt version that takes off her cool androgynizing mask and robs her of her angelically husky voice. absolute philistines, the lot of them. what was this post about.

right. i liked their dwarf hair gimmick enough to crib it lol. i could bullshit you some explanation about how, since the element of HOPE is found in the eyes and DOOM in the hair, shrouding an eye with one's hair is believed to balance one's humoral perception or something like that. but you and i both know i would be working backwards to build scaffolding around an idea that needs no justification beyond its own aesthetic merit. it fits my grim wee men, and that's all the damn reason i need! so it's fashionable and traditional for dwarfs to grow their hair out (all dwarfs are capable of growing beards, as an aside) and cover an eye; keeping one's hair short entirely out of their eyes is regarded as tastelessly immodest. it simply isn't done, save by the occasional adventurer or surface dwarf.

their gloomy subterranean kingdom holds a reverence for death, and dwarfish faith holds that a dead dwarf's soul must journey to the surface and the into the sky, where the terrible light of the sun will peacefully obliterate it at last. their naturally crow-brained fascination with shinies fuels an acquisitive culture that sees the dwarfish nobility scheming and quarreling to amass hoards of riches worth entombing themselves with. while this is plainly and obviously unsustainable, the nobility maintain the charade, however flimsily, by hiring thieves and mercenaries from outside the family to raid their own ancestral tombs (always trapped and guarded by thanaturgic constructs) to "recycle" their grave goods. when such a crew of tomb raiders is eventually caught, the scandal is not that the family have fallen to desperation enough to dishonor their own dead -- this is true of so many of their houses that it is in all their best interests to turn a blind eye -- but that they were negligent when it came to safeguarding their tomb. it helps, too, that there always exists a steady supply of have-nots who, in their desperation, turn to independent graverobbing -- and upon whom the temporarily embarrassed nobles are only too happy to shift the blame. all the while, a growing minority of dwarfs disillusioned with the kingdom attempt a perilous anabasis in search of a better life on their surface, becoming "sun-scarred" pariahs in the eyes of dwarfish tradition.

dwarfs have old puritan-style virtue names. their middle names are usually the first name of a grandparent of the same gender, though some dwarfs drop them entirely. trans dwarfs will sometimes go to a grandparent (living or not) to ask for permission to take on their name; coming out and the consequent renaming is a celebrated though sober affair. (Humility Toil-Without-Tears Fendrel, Home-Kept-Clean Suffer-Scarcely Quimble, As-Below-So-Above Charity Trumble)

IRK: My Precious... You must save SHREWD to discard or give up anything shiny, unless you're in a safe place like camp.
PERK: Pack Filler. You have +1 Blunt Resist and +1 Sharp Resist for every 3 occupied inventory slots.

more to come in the future. it turns out i like my writing a lot more when i just do it in a way i find enjoyable instead of forcing myself into a style i felt obligated to because of my subject matter. i'll probably do elfs next but my children the blatts deserve a real poast that actually says anything about them soon + i have yet more to say about dwarfs in future but now i am going to go cook dinner with my ex-wife and continue replaying divinity2. gootbye

laurentian elemental system (GlitterGLOG setting post?)

HOT is the element of passion and hunger. It is fever-pitch love, blood and veins and skin flushed red. Lust, rage, yearning. HOT is found in caffeine, gasoline, summer flings and your heart.

HOT damage manifests as heart palpitations, fever-sweat and, obviously, fire.

COLD is the element of clarity and detachment. It is sniper-stillness, ice, steel, glass. Calculation, lucidity, the wisdom of distance. COLD is found in mirrored sunglasses, the glint of a blade, untouched snowfall and your brain.

COLD damage manifests as numbing pain, stabbing headaches, forced dissociation.

WET is the element of excess. It is wine-drenched hedonism, mother-of-pearl and abalone shells, salt on your lips. It is ocean-as-expanse, boots soaked through, storm drains overflowing, liquor bottles rolling in the backseat. WET is found in petrichor, raw oyster, goldfish platform shoes and your tongue.

WET damage manifests as intoxication, drowning lungs, sensory overload.

DRY is the element of absence. It is cracked earth and dusty rooms, radio static and empty spaces on shelves. DRY is found in desert roads, pregnant pauses, vinyl crackle and your bones.

DRY damage manifests as dehydration, loss of memories, abrasion.

NATURE is the element of all that lives unfettered by the laws of ARTIFICE. It is coyotes in the suburb, mold on your bread, roaches in the corner. It is the billion-year memory of biting into meat. NATURE is found in the moss between the bricks, the sound of cicadas, the open sky and your teeth.

NATURE damage is dealt by animals and witches, sometimes. Wounds inflicted by weapons of NATURE are prone to rapid mutation, painfully filling in with fur and feathers before they can heal right.

ARTIFICE is the element of all we craft to keep ourselves above NATURE. It is plastic and asphalt, it is city becoming skyline, it is bread and thread and buildings and roads. It is a blaster in a glove compartment, the roof over your head, the wires in the walls. It is found in flip phones, cooked food, angels and your hands. (Nagas sometimes claim that their lack of hands explains or proves the absence of ARTIFICE in their bodies.)

ARTIFICE damage manifests as plastic poisoning, stiffening of joints, shrapnel in your skin, repetitive stress injuries.

DOOM is the element of knowledge. It is grave dirt and old tomes. It is the romance of tragedy, running mascara and the taste of cigarettes on black lipstick kisses. It is skepticism borne of age. It is found in newspapers, dead channels, horses and your hair.

DOOM damage manifests as abyssal pressure, a lingering malaise, cold fingers feathering the small of your back.

HOPE is the element of belief. It is the lambent dawn, sugar rush, an audience screaming lyrics back at the band. It is the armor worn by the stubborn thousands who dream the world might be that simple. It is found in graffiti, birthday candles, the glint of the stars, and your eyes (though in most people it is not often visible).

HOPE damage manifests as bursts of delusion, an intravenous shot of confidence and joy, burdensome visions too bright to see, hubris overwriting pain, the ache of wanting more than this.

 

 

NOTES
sorry for waxing poetic about my stupid bullshit this has been swirling in my head for the past week

elemental system of this game has long been due for a rework. we didn't have anything like the NATURE/ARTIFICE line yet, and the "dark" and "light" element were Creepy/Righteous, the former of which was literally derived from a combination of Kingdom of Loathing's spooky element + enabling the possibility of Creepy & Wet damage

anyway i like this system way way more because it feels actually elemental instead of Funny

fully aware that doom and hope are homestuck aspects. i have not read homestuck and do not really plan to at quite this point in time. i might eventually. people who like homestuck keep saying i seem like someone who would have read homestuck back in the day and i'm never really sure how to take that.

oh yeah also ARTIFICE was called TECHNE at first but i wasn't really sure about that name. also considered CRAFT before tentatively settling on ARTIFICE. suggestions welcome. i don't want to do CIVILIZATION i think that sounds trite and pedestrian to have be the elemental opposite of NATURE even if that's practically what it symbolizes.

 also the psychological torment aspect of elemental damage meshes with the assumed nonlethality of typical glitterglog combat 

my Freaking ex-wife (historically and presently one of the most opinionated glitterglog enjoyers worldwide) was very vehement last we spoke on this idea that i call it artifice instead of techne and also that hope damage is goofy and stupid and that really i didn't need an elemental system at all, and i appreciate and value her very very much and think she is dead wrong here

UPDATE: mona total victory

 

specter and gallant  due for some edits in that like, specter's hot/creepy hell portal ability doesnt make nearly as much sense for doom & similar, but i did very much conceive of these new elements with those two classes in mind. specter was originally hot as in ghost rider and gallant cold as in woahhh coooool but frankly i think the new system implies much more fun characterization of hot as passionate emo and cold as chilled out detached dude. & doom/hope is way cooler than creepy/righteous i think.

blaster rules for glitterglog

I heard some folk round these parts were posting about gun's... Well, we don't know what gun's are in Laurentia but we do have blasters, for which my buddy Gigi Gutsygills and I wrote some rules many moons ago that I have, shamefully, neglected to share with my cherished readers for all that time. Let's fix that tonight.

A human blastermaster, made in Hero Forge by yours truly.

A blaster is sort of like a shitass retrofuturistic raygun with a wand for a barrel. I would have reflected this in the above model had Hero Forge a better selection of gun parts from which to kitbash such an implement but it didn't really. 

Blasters are a lot like gun's, but less lethal. A handblaster is analogous to a semiautomatic pistol. A jitterblaster is kind of like a submachine gun. A rattleblaster is a tommy gun; a rayler is a bolt action rifle made of a staff; a boomstick is a shotgun; and a bazinga is a rocket launcher.

There are no nonmagical gun's in this setting.

 

 BLASTER RULES

I need you to understand that I was a Tactical Breach Wizards fan before it ever released. I was one of the motherfuckers who watched every last dev video Tom Francis uploaded in the years prior to its release. This makes me cool and special, and I deserve recognition and accolades for having been excited about an upcoming video game.

 Firing a ranged weapon normally uses your SHREWD for its attack and damage. A range increment is how far a weapon can shoot before incurring penalty to hit -- For example, a handblaster has a -1 penalty if the target is 5 squares from its wielder, a -2 penalty if 9 squares from its wielder, and so on. Most blasters deal damage of a single element.

Blasters have twenty shots until they become dangerous to use. When destabilized in this way, they have a 50% chance to backfire and deal damage to you as well as your target. You can recharge your blasters at no cost when you rest. 

Piranha Launcher, Nick Southam

Handblaster: 1d6+SHREWD or SLICK damage. Range increment 4. One inventory slot.
You get a +1 bonus to hit if you finger-gun in real life as you attack.

Jitterblaster: 1d4+SHREWD. Range increment 4. One inventory slot.
Damage dice explode -- If damage roll is 4, you may expend another charge to roll again and add the damage together. This may continue indefinitely.

Rattleblaster: 1d4+SHREWD. Range increment 3. Two inventory slots.
As well as firing normally, you may alternatively expend three charges to spray and pray in a 3x2 area in front of you. If damage roll is 4, you may expend another charge to roll again and add the damage together. This may continue indefinitely.

Hired Gun, Eric Braddock. This fuckin Hearthstone set was one of the seminal influences on a much earlier version of my setting.

Rayler: 1d10+SHREWD. Range increment 6. Three inventory slots.
Shots pierce in a straight line -- roll to attack each other creature caught in line of fire too. Every target beyond the first takes half damage. Once fired, a rayler must be reloaded as a 1-point action to fire again.

Boomstick: 2d6+SHREWD or STURDY. Range increment 2. Two inventory slots. Loud.
Instead of losing chance to hit with range increment, boomsticks fall off in damage. Costs 2 charges to fire. You gain a +1 to damage if you mime racking a shotgun in real life and make the appropriate sound effect.

Bazinga: 5d4+STURDY. Range 4. Three inventory slots. Loud.
Damage every target in a 3x3 area centered on any square within four squares of the wielder. If you are yourself caught in the explosion, you may reposition yourself up to [SUM] feet in the direction of your choice. Bazingas require a 1-point action to reload after every fire, and cost 5 charges to fire.

Also, I think Walfalcon's ska word gun's are a great idea but vehemently disagree that a gun named after Stupid Horse would prioritize and value nonlethal conflict resolution and have a distaste for killing. Stupid Horse is not an especially nonlethal song, not by nature. Thus I leave you here with a sentient blaster of my own.

STUPID HORSE

Stupid Horse is a sawn-down rayler; for all mechanical purposes, treat it as a handblaster that takes up two inventory slots. It deals HOT damage. Scrawled in permanent marker on its handguard are the words "LIVE FAST DIE LATER". A keychain charm of a dinky little misshapen horse hangs from its stickerbombed stock.

WANTS: motion movement the thrill of the chase
DISLIKES: stasis and languidity

Stupid Horse deals an extra point of damage for every step you travel the turn you fire it. It gains a +2 to hit when fired from a moving vehicle or steed. When it is unhappy, it fires with a -10 to hit.

all according to keikaku (GlitterGLOG class: SCOUNDREL (or, Heist Movie Rogue))

SCOUNDREL

 

An orc scoundrel. Made in Hero Forge by yours truly.

 

“There is honor among thieves. What of you, pig?”

 

Starting Equipment:

-a set of slightly rumpled formalwear (light armor) (1 slot);

-a fancy knife (light sharp) OR an engraved handblaster (COLD) (1 slot);

-a fake ID card from an establishment of your choice (0 slots)

-2 rations worth of goat cheese and crackers (2 slots)

Failed Career: choose one -- telemarketer; fashion model; used car salesman

Level 1: always prepared, you mean this?
Level 2: cat’s got claws, artful dodger

Level 3: i've been expecting you, dramatic infiltration
Level 4: i steal his pockets

Always Prepared: When shopping, you may spend any amount of gold or barter to buy an Unlabelled Package. When the package is unwrapped, you declare what it contains, as long as the contents comprise the appropriate number of inventory slots, don’t cost more than you originally paid, and could feasibly be purchased. You can put multiple items inside a large Unlabelled Package, including a smaller Unlabelled Package. You can have up to two Unlabelled Packages at a time.

You Mean This?: Once per rest, you may retroactively declare that you stole something you plausibly could've taken from someone you got in close with by swapping it with an item of similar size that was in your inventory at the time.

By Evyn Fong.

 

Cat’s Got Claws: You may always declare that you have a knife (light sharp -1) hidden somewhere on you. Even if your inventory is empty, you can reveal one as long as you’re wearing anything at all.

Artful Dodger: Once per combat per opponent, you may declare that you coolly sidestep a melee attack and reposition yourself one square diagonally from your current position.

 

I've Been Expecting You: At the start of an encounter resulting from the Heat Clock, you may explain how you knew the other party were coming. Your crew gets a guaranteed surprise round during this encounter. You may use this ability once per dungeon run. (Leaving and re-entering the same dungeon will allow you to use this ability again.)

 

im not gonna lie i dont like ive been expecting you anymore. i wanted something that interacted w the heat clock but this apocalypse world ass "describe how the move works" shit is just stupid in my game i think. like dramatic infiltration works in the og glog thief but this needs a rework. one of these days

Dramatic Infiltration: At any time you're not in immediate danger, you may declare that you are walking offscreen. While offscreen in this way, you may reveal yourself to have been a minor NPC in the background of any scene all along, as long as there actually are minor NPCs in the background of the scene. You can always walk back on stage at any time. This ability is limited by plausibility.

I Steal His Pockets: Replace the word “plausibly” in You Mean This? with “physically.”

When you retire a level 4+ scoundrel, you may later declare at any time that any single item from the retired scoundrel’s inventory was secretly placed into another player character’s all along. You may do this only once.

 

 Notes

this class has laid languishing in my drafts for like six months. i've had this queued since back when i was in college. i've been obsessively editing it ever since without sharing it. wrong with me, frankly. it's out here in the world. if there's anything more wrong with it i'll fix it with reception and feedback in mind instead of getting neurotic like this again. more posts soon. more posts soon. 

 

Chi Wen Tzu used to playtest his rules before posting them. The Master, hearing of this, said, "Writing them out is quite enough."

i'll be your shield, bro (GlitterGLOG class: GALLANT)

 

GALLANT

 by le fruste mangaka

 

“My cause is totally righteous, dude!”

Starting Equipment: 

-a longboard, snowboard, surfboard, or similar board of transit (2 slots);

-melee weapon of your choice (varies);

-dripped-out heavy armor (4 slots);

-3 rations worth of travel-safe hot dogs, mini pizzas, and/or canned beer (3 slots);

-a worthy cause (a place in your heart)

Dripped-Out Armor: You’ve basically got light armor over your heavy armor, so it’s a +4 armor. No one other than a gallant is confident enough to pull this off effortlessly, so this functions as normal heavy armor for other classes.

 

Level 1: bro code, staunch attunement, hang in there
Level 2: righteous steed, +gallantry
Level 3: the tony hawkman effect, +gallantry
Level 4: keep hanging on, +gallantry

Bro Code: Whenever you gain a level in gallant, you make a new vow. This should be fairly specific and something you could conceivably fail at – “I will uphold justice” or “I will be merciful” aren’t great vows, but “I will never damage an old car” or “I will not kill” are. When you break a vow, you lose a gallant level and that vow the next time you complete a rest, unless you have atoned. When you uphold your vow at cost to yourself, you gain an additional use of Hang In There for the day.

Staunch Attunement: At character creation, choose two damage types from Cold, Wet and Righteous. Whenever you use an ability with Attuned damage, you deal damage of those two damage types. You also deal an extra 1 point of typed damage using items with your Attuned types.

Hang in There: Restore 1d6 Guard to a target within one square. You may use this ability [GALLANT LEVEL]x2 times per rest.

Righteous Steed: The board from your starting equipment becomes a magic item, and returns to you in two days if it is lost or destroyed, including if you already lost it. It is obviously Glittery and functions as if under its own power. You may also use your faithful steed as a medium Blunt reach weapon. It won’t mind.

Gallantries: You have to support your cause somehow, but not everyone agrees in what way is best. At every level after the first, you can select a Gallantry that not every gallant has access to – see the list below.

The Tony Hawkman Effect: When you are not wearing your full armor and do not visibly have your righteous steed, you may designate yourself as unrecognizable to authority figures. In combat, you may designate everyone else as targets of diminished import by dramatically donning your helmet or drawing your righteous steed. For at least the actions immediately after revealing your identity, enemies will target you in lieu of your allies. 

Keep Hanging On: Hang in There now restores 1d6+4 Guard and you can choose to roll again if you roll 1 or 6 by expending an extra usage. You can keep rolling indefinitely as long as you have the uses for it. The +4 Guard is applied once after all dice are rolled.

When you retire a level 4+ gallant, you may bequeath your righteous steed to a worthy recipient. They are not proficient with it as a weapon and cannot make use of its more esoteric powers, but it does serve as a tower shield that grants its user Creepy Resist 4 and only weighs as much as a heavy shield, since it’s made of wood.

 

 

 

by makkon 

 

Gallantries

Choose one of these every time you gain a gallant level after the first.

Get Down, Dude!: (Loud) You may intercept an attack meant for a character that is within your movement range. Move to the square that character occupied, move them one square in any direction that makes sense, and take the attack as if you were the original target in all ways. You cannot use this ability without shouting its name, in and out of game.

Bodacious Bulwark: Once per scene, if you are wielding your righteous steed, you may swing it to the side to block an incoming attack directed at a character within your melee range. Roll melee damage with any appropriate bonuses and reduce the character’s damage taken by that amount, and then reduce it by 4 more if it’s Creepy damage.

Swipe Out: You may sweep your righteous steed across the three or six spaces in front of you in one motion, making a single standard attack roll applied to all targets. Targets take one less damage for each target of the attack.

Stay Sharp: You modify your righteous steed, such as by sharpening its fin or barbing its wheels, such that it may deal Sharp damage. You choose whether your steed deals Sharp or Blunt damage every time you attempt an attack.

Keep It Cool: Rations and similar items kept on your person are kept cool or frozen and prevented from contracting mold, bacterial contaminant, or even magical spoilage. You also gain a travel cooler and can fit 5 rations in it. You may only select this gallantry if your Staunch Attunements include Cold.

Hydrate or Die-drate: Whenever you complete a long rest, you create a radical elixir that counts as a ration and restores 1d6 Guard when imbibed. You may only select this gallantry if your Staunch Attunements include Wet.

Sword and Board: Your righteous steed now deals Righteous damage in addition to its other damage types, and it also deals extra damage. It deals +[GALLANT LEVEL] damage, and also benefits from your Staunch Attunement. You may only take this if your Staunch Attunements include Righteous.

 

by Paul G

The Big One: (Loud, flashy) Once per long rest, you may use your righteous steed to make an attack powered by a rushing wave of water, dealing 5d6 Cold and Wet damage in a three-square-wide space in front of you and pushing all targets aside by one square. You must have at least two squares of space between you and the target to ride the big one. You may only select this gallantry if your Staunch Attunements are Cold and Wet.

Bros In the Hot Tub: The range of Hang in There increases to three squares. It also now creates soothing steam that cures mental conditions and anything that taking a bath could solve, like being on fire or not being Immaculate. You may only select this gallantry if your Staunch Attunements are Wet and Righteous.

Chill, Bro: Once per long rest, you may encase a foe you touch in Glittering ice for [GALLANT LEVEL-1] rounds, preventing all physical action for as long as the ice entraps them. The ice has Resist 5 against all damage except Hot and Blunt, and has 10 Guard. You may only select this gallantry if your Staunch Attunements are Cold and Righteous.

 

Notes

the gallant is intended to be a foil to the specter, the light knight to its dark knight with the opposite elements to match. the gallant is definitely the most support-oriented core class there is, but it's also martially capable because like, listen. i love playing healers but in my humble onion, i think heal monkeys are fucking boring a lot of the time. 

 

also, i think it's cute that the chivalrous gallant with its defensive abilities is kind of the ideal protector for the utility-focused princess. 

 

this entire "paladins are bros" bit spiraled out of me calling radiant damage "righteous".

 

thanks as always to my coconspirator gigi gutsygills for her help with this class.