my review of predator (1987)

 sometimes a movey is ideologically unpleasant in a way i'm able to simply compartmentalize, and to enjoy what merits it has even as i shake my head at the sucks parts so my greek chorus knows i disapprove. i was not able to do this with schwarzenegger predator due to how little there was of merit.

STUFF I LIKED IN SCHWARZENEGGER PREDATOR:
- my Freaking ex-wife and her roommate and i pogged and pointed at all the shots that became memes and he said the line moments
- the eponymous predator's alien clicks and trills and distorted vocal mimicry are cute
- i like jungle that's where i'm from
- everybody talks about the flayed corpses scene but nobody talks about the much more iconic scene shortly after in which a dude angrily punts a vulture. and it's like a pink bald head type vulture and correct me if i'm wrong but i dont think that's a jungle flavor of vulture...?
- predator face reveal was pretty fun
- the credits sequence that has every character smiling sitcom intro style despite the fact that all of them were either reduced to lunchmeat or visibly haunted and haggard when last we saw them.

STUFF I JACKED THE AIR OFF ABOUT IN SCHWARZENEGGER PREDATOR: 
- ambiguously defined central american terrorist cell is dangerous enough to have kidnapped a member of cabinet but completely hapless in the face of superior US grit and firepower. as we see in a borderline slapstick montage of our brave troops lighting up a lot of brown people to establish their competence.
- speaking of which vulnavia (<3) recently told me about a nick carter novel in which he survives a lady shooting at him by successfully tricking her into thinking she's not out of ammo by firing his gun behind his back to replicate the sound. and that's what i was thinking about watching a feckless white boy standing right out in the open to "covertly" plant explosives on a truck and loudly struggle to push it downhill and for this plan to work without a hitch lol
- and the only brown character whose life matters earns that distinction by being a pretty young woman
- and it's pretty weird and honestly comes across as orientalist the way anna has the lowdown on the predator in a way none of the americans do? and in a way that doesn't really make sense?
- and frankly so does the cadence of all her english dialogue. with the sole exception of the line "it changed colors like the chameleón" which sounds like something my friend soraya would say to me as a joke, it scans like ESL english written by people who've never had an actual conversation with an ESL spanish speaker.
- i think the movey's worst crime of all though is that it's a meandering and boring action flick lol
- the predator's stupid fucking beam cannon sucks ass. like the triangular sightfinder and laser sight are cute and it's good when it turns a guy into mist with frag bullets. just have it use real guns and not a limp dicked pew pew star wars blaster.
- the fucking human laugh it does when it activates its suicide bomb. its vocal mimicry sounds cool and alien why come it laughs like a normal guy at the end

as an aside, pathetic and self-effacing struggleposting was not understood technology at the point of human history where this movey was becoming memes or else the shot of haggard arnie would be one such and we'd be posting shit like this

there's a more enjoyable version of predator (1987) that i can imagine and it's On Purpose About dumb chud US marines deploying into the jungle because they just want to kill, and in-universe are of the impression they'll get to mow down "terrorists" with impunity bc they have american guns and half an excuse. and then all the boyz get picked off gradually by a space alien that is also a stupid chud that just wants to kill, and now they're outmatched by its actually superior munitions. although my Freaking ex wife told me there's a predator movey i haven't seen that's kind of like that and her review of it was "it was okay. should have been more explicit". so maybe woke predator is not possible in our world.

so badass to rip up parts of a real actual jungle to make special effects for a movey that just was not very good at all

they added a yautja to fortnite while i was writing this post

my review of final fantasy: the spirits within

ive decided im not putting real work into my film reviews on this blog at all, going forward. i hope thats ok

 final fantasy the spirits within (2001) is an incredibly visually and technically impresesive piece of computer type animation especially but not just for being older than me and 9/11.  those couple month it has on us (my buddy 9/11 and i ) are pretty important though, the movie starts out in the desolate ravaged ruins of nyc and a lot of it is set in new new york until it gets completely exxploded and on fire so im glad this movie was released before exploding new york became illegal in moveys.

anyway yeah it's astonishing how good the cg looks. thanks to the one hundred and thirty seven million dollars they poured into this project you get to watch the frizzy bits of our leading wasian* scientist's dry hair sway as she goes about her business. speaking of whom i dont like that she ceases to be a character when she gets a boyfriend; many such cases. we need to stop trying to domesticate  acerbic women but honestly none of these characters have much goin on anyway/. cid is there and i think that and a couple machines labeled Aetheric Fuckatron or someshit of the sort + #gaia were like the only final fantasy parts of this final fantasy movey.

i found its plot utterly fucking trite and could scarcely believe how much runtime it devoted to explaining the concepts of "the ghost-type aliens are actually for real the ghosts of aliens" & "the earth has a soul" and letting the audience come to grips with these revelations. it truly felt like nothing so much as a cutscene compilation for a mid as fuck shooter.

the most fun part of this movey was my freaking ex-wife pogging and pointing as she started to recognize each individual voice actor on this inexplicably star studded cast. watch it with friends or not at all.

* i think. shes voiced  by ming na-wen but the character looks wasian to me (i spent the whole movie trying to deduce whether shes supposed to be) and her name is Aki Ross and they make her speak a bit britishly. as a chinese woman who speaks kind of britishly i think we need fewer of those in the world. to this day i am actively trying to deprogram the received pronunciation brainwashing i recieved as a childlet/.

i put jeff the killer in my elfgame

"A dear friend [...] told me, "You must hatch from your insecurities like a bursting butterfly." I am good at things. I do know a thing or two.

I am trying to hatch.

But honesty is such a daring thing to do."

    -- Hilander, What Would I Write If I Wrote For Myself?
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Jane the Killer is a 21-year-old, ghostly pale white human woman from Calafia. Her eyes are a pure, inky black, like an elf's. She lives in a van with her mawas girlfriend Heedful Kong, who works remotely as a customer service representative for an ill-conceived SaaS startup. Jane is dour and emotionally stunted, but fairly competent at fulfilling her and Heedful's immediate physical needs. She is agonizingly paranoid about the FBI coming for her -- she could likely Jane the kill quite a few inquisitors, but it would set her back years if they forced her out of Dorothea, to which she moved in pursuit of her quarry. Heedful, by contrast, is mild-mannered but quietly stubborn. She reads speculative fiction, keeps a savings account and thinks a lot about where they'll settle down when this is all over.

Jane is completely fixated on tracking down and personally Jane the killing Jeff the Killer, who Jeff the killed her parents. She finances her single-target vigilantism through her server job at a Yaga's. Jane hates the strain that living with a rogue antikiller is putting on her girlfriend and really wants to put this all behind her for Heedful Kong's sake. All she has to do is finish the fight.

She is empowered by the liquid hate in her veins. Liquid hate was developed by the Occult Research Bureau at the behest of the Federal Bureau of Inquisition in an ostensible attempt to create "antikillers", enhanced operatives intended to combat serial murder. Subjects injected with the compound either promptly expired or gained enhanced physical capabilities alongside roughly ninety minutes of uncontrollable homicidal rage, invariably losing most pigmentation in their skin and developing monochrome eyes. The project was quietly scaled back after proving prohibitively expensive to control. Jane is one of a handful of surviving antikillers to have escaped federal supervision.
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Jane the Killer
HD: 3  DEF: Leather  ATK: Switchblade (as shortsword) or Pounce (1d4, reach, move to target + target is grappled)
WANTS: To Jane the kill Jeff the killer and move on with her life.
Blood Time+: Jane the Killer's compatibility with the liquid hate coursing through her veins grants her accelerated healing, limb regeneration, parkour skills, vocal mimicry, increased running speed, enhanced strength, stamina, agility, stealth, accuracy, dexterity, durability, evasion and flexibility, increased tobacco tolerance, increased metabolism and knife proficiency. She can invoke any of these as skills to succeed at an applicable action, at the cost of DOOM damage equal to the number of times she's done so without sleeping.
Spring-Heeled Jane: Jane the Killer can jump really high.

Jeff the Killer
HD: 8 DEF: None ATK: Kitchen knife (as shortsword) Resist: DOOM Weak: HOT
WANTS: Catharsis, however cheap.
Smiling Broadly: Anytime on his turn, Jeff can choose to take 2 unavoidable Sharp damage to gain 2AP. Each subsequent time he uses this ability in a turn, double its damage.
No Rest: Jeff the Killer can never restore his HP through any means.
Wicked Visitor: Whenever a creature Jeff has wounded sleeps, the referee may choose for Jeff to emerge nearby.

Jane and Jeff's knives do not behave as swords in anyone else's hands.
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Liquid Hate
When you imbibe this sealed vial of murky purple fluid, the referee will start a stopwatch hidden from your view. Then, curse the names of any who have wronged you, and don't stop except to breathe. Detail their crimes against you, the violence you'll bring unto them, plagues you wish upon their house. When you're finally, truly out of things to say, the referee reveals how long you went on for. If you went [90 - your STURDY] seconds or longer, you become an antikiller: gain +2 STRONG and +2 SLIPPERY and the ability Blood Time, lose most pigmentation in your skin and gain monochrome eyes the color of your Glitter. If you went for less time than that, you die. Liquid hate is extraordinarily hard to get one's hands on and could sell for a pretty penny to the right person, but you should probably be leery of the right person and also it's obviously contraband.

Blood Time: The liquid hate in your veins grants you the following skills: parkour, track sprinting, superstrength, contortionism, increased tobacco tolerance and flashy knifework. Invoking one of these skills deals DOOM damage to you equal to twice the number of times you've activated Blood Time without sleeping.
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If anyone, Jane or otherwise, successfully kills Jeff the Killer and survives, she and Heedful Kong disappear to wander for two weeks.

If you should cross paths again thereafter, she will have become starved for purpose. As an antikiller with no more Jeffs to kill and having been thoroughly fired from Yaga's, Jane is attempting a half-hearted stint as a highwaywoman. It won't take much at all to dissuade her from this course of action, and she's so desperate for something to Do with herself that she'll ask the crew for a suggestion; if the crew can collectively recommend one hobby or pursuit or w/e, she'll seriously consider it before you part ways. She's reluctant to kill again -- she's spent a long time preparing for that last murder.

The next time you cross paths with her and Heedful, Jane has a 1-in-12 chance to have stuck with and liked the pursuit you suggested her last; otherwise, she'll have given it an honest shot but glumly decided she was bad at it and abandoned the idea forever. If she has stuck with the suggested pursuit, she'll decide it's her new calling and change the operative verb in her name to a corresponding one, like Jane the Crocheter or Jane the Union Organizer or someshit, and effusively thank the player characters who suggested it.

____________

i think the single best part of born of science: jane the killer is when an fbi agent who is described as looking like walter white seemingly decides they've got their perfect supersoldier test subject on the basis that jane made her own pomegranate pancake syrup. he didn't even taste it first.

i have grace (<3) to thank for helping me talk through and develop every post i make these days.
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money's been tighter than before and i've just been rejected from my fourth seemingly-promising job interview in the past three weeks. i'd really, really appreciate any support you might be able to spare, if you've aught to spare. thank youuu for reading my blogg....

see you in court (GlitterGLOG Class: BALLER)

Zoltar, Elf Baller. 

Starting equipment: 
- a common basketball (2 slots);
- shorts and a jersey (clothing, 1 slot); 
- 2 rations’ worth of zip-locked PB&J sandwiches (2 slots);
- deodorant, towel (0 slots)

Failed Career: choose one -- college coach; statistician; municipal trash thrower

The common basketball is a two-handed throwing weapon that deals 1d4 Blunt damage and has a range of 6 squares. A successful attack with a thrown basketball causes it to rebound into your grasp; a miss causes it to fall on the targeted square, necessitating retrieval before continued use. Basketballs possessed of strange and fearsome power are known to exist in parts of Laurentia…

Level 1: dribble, dunk
Level 2: jump shot, +1 ball knowledge
Level 3: hang time, balling
Level 4: shot caller, dagger, +2 ball knowledge

Dribble: While wielding a basketball, you can move [BALLER LEVEL] more Steps.

Dunk: While attacking with a basketball from higher ground, you may leap to a square adjacent to your target before attacking. If this attack hits, the target is knocked prone. 

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Jump Shot: [3AP] Perform a vertical leap in place and immediately make a basketball attack at a target within range. This attack's range is increased by a number of squares equal to the amount of Ball Knowledge you have. If the attack hits, it deals an extra point of damage with your basketball’s damage type for every 3 squares traveled. 

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Hang Time: Whenever you jump, you may remain airborne until you attack or end your turn.

Balling: You gain +1 AC for every $500 worth of clothing you’re wearing. If autographed, each article of clothing is also worth $10 more for every game or fight you win while wearing it.

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Shot Caller: Whenever you land a basketball attack, you and/or an allied character who can see you may immediately move 1 Step.

Dagger: When you or an ally’s basketball attack reduces a combatant to 0 HP, sapient enemies who witnessed the act test Morale.

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 Ball Knowledge  (1d6)

1. Bank Shot: When you miss an attack with a basketball, you may choose to hit a different target within 2 squares.
2. Box Out: Non-allied creatures must spend 1 additional Step to enter squares adjacent to you.
3. Fadeaway: After performing a Jump Shot, the next attack against you before your next turn automatically misses as you flicker to an adjacent square.
4. Full-Court Press: Once per encounter, choose a non-allied creature you can see. The first time each round that creature moves, you may move 1 Step.
5. Outlet Pass: When you retrieve a basketball off the ground, you may immediately make an attack with it.
6. Sixth Man: When you end your turn without making any attacks, basketball or otherwise, you bank a Setup which may be spent to make a basketball attack for free on your turn. You may hold up to 3 Setups, and once you make any attacks at all you may not gain further Setups for the rest of the combat or encounter.

 

Magic B-Balls

FOOL ENDEAVOR: Printed to resemble the planet Here. Signed by some chump named “Mr. International.” Fool Endeavor has unlimited range, so long as the target is visible to the thrower. The ball does dramatically not gain or lose height and maintains momentum indefinitely during its flight when thrown in this way and rebounds much the same, but God help you if you miss.

RIOT TIME: A cheap, corny synthwave-inspired print in purple and creamsicle orange alternates between each rib, rendered pale and splotchy by sunbleaching and probable years of wear. Riot Time deals HOPE damage instead of Blunt. When a creature fails a Morale test because of you or an ally, all members of your crew recover 1HP.

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Notes 

i'm not a real knower or watcher of baseball. any ballologists or ballistas reading this, please feel free to tell me what you like or don't about this class. i was just divinely inspired by a vision of basketballer-as-acrobat while thinking about laurentia but then i looked at the og glog acrobat and didn't really like it and ended up making basketballer-as-fighter.

as with many of my best works these days, this got grace (<3) from 400 independent bathrooms and i chatting and workshopping until we were each making our own b-baller glog classes in parallel, researching in real time to fill in our extremely patchy knowledge of the sport as we went -- the "balling" feature is adapted from one of grace's inventions for a baller-as-rogue.

why make an entire class based around a sport i didn't know very much about? well, i figured the core combat loop created by this implementation of basketballs as a weapon type was worth exploring, i liked getting to represent and research a traditionally Black-centric part of american culture in my america fantasy game, and getting to put something together to show for it is a solid motivator for learning, and i thought implementing basketballs as a weapon type at all was funny but had legs.

i sometimes forget that i'm like, actually an amateur game designer with burgeoning skills and have peers i've been learning from, that i'm not just a floundering laywoman, until i get the right gentle push to Make Something and at the end of it i go "yeah that's pretty good i think". i like that they can do a little bit of wuxia shit and that their capstones turn them into a team captain.

d4 bags that are better than bag of holding

Thank you to grace from 400 independent bathrooms (<3) for helping me with this list; check out d4 bags worse than bag of holding over there.

1. Hallowed Vessel: This handheld plastic bucket, printed to resemble a turnip carved to resemble a face, automatically casts Turn Halloween with a devious giggle when its holder is attacked by a Halloween-type monster. It consumes approximately a big handful's worth of candy to do so, and will not deign to act unless it contains candy to consume in this way. 8 slots, and it'll grumble unhappily if you put anything other than candy or toys in it.

Hallowed Vessels printed or painted to resemble specific Halloween monsters will Turn Halloweens of that type without requiring payment.

2. Bag of Sharing: The contents of this 18 slot backpack are shared with a specific, random other Bag of Sharing somewhere in the world. You have access to all of its contents, and may freely withdraw or deposit anything within the bag, every other day; when it isn't your turn, your counterparts may do the same, and your bag cannot be opened. Cutting it open in this state simply renders your copy empty and inert and theirs into a normal bag. Abusing your bag will probably disincentivize your counterparts from placing anything nice in there, though it's certainly possible they might try and game it too. 

3. BaazR™ Subscription Bag: Using your BaazR™ Subscription Bag is Easy! Simply place any items you like within the Subscription Bag's 8 slots, then provide it with your billing information. Thereafter, anytime you deplete or otherwise lose any of those items, you'll find them conveniently replenished within your BaazR™ Subscription Bag. (You will be automatically billed the approximate market price of any item replenished in this manner.)

If, by some unimaginable calamity, you should ever be regrettably compelled to cancel one of your BaazR™ subscriptions, simply return the item you wish to stop receiving convenient instant refills on to the location from which you purchased it. Then, mail proof of your returns to the peak of any mountain before next sundown. You will receive a confirmation letter via conjured dove within 1d6 business days. Should you provide your assent to this letter and burn it over a fire containing the bones of an animal you've personally killed, your BaazR™ subscription will be cancelled in a further 1d6 business days, whereupon you will stop receiving the convenient instant refills we have so graciously provided you until you turned your back on us, you harlot. But we are known for our mercy and our grace as well as for having served customers throughout Laurentia for 43 years. The day wisdom finds you, the day you finally realize that you have always needed us, we'll let you back into the fold without complaint; we're here for you. All we'll need when that day comes -- and it will come -- is your credit card information, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. 

This process must be repeated for each item you wish to cancel your refills for. 

4. The Mailman's Flail: A 14 slot canvas messenger bag sturdy enough to be swung around by the strap as a medium blunt melee weapon. Upon a successful attack using this weapon against a creature to which a number of postage stamps equal to or greater than its hit dice have been applied, declare a valid mailing address. The creature will be instantly spirited to the front door (or closest approximation thereof) at the spoken address. The stamps must have been purchased or acquired from a recognized postal authority. In most dangerous circumstances, it takes 2 action points to apply a postage stamp.

one errant twitch (GlitterGLOG class: HERMIT)

HERMIT

 

Starting Equipment:

    - a handblaster -- choose one element for its damage type (1 slot)

    - military surplus jacket (medium armor) (2 slots) 

    - one of your IEDs (see below) (1 slot)

    - half a spool of copper wire (1 slot)

    - 3 rations of homemade pemmican (3 slots)

Failed Career: choose one -- assembly line worker; retail associate; sci-fi author

 

Level 1: off the grid, pipe dreams

Level 2: deadeye, the contraption

Level 3: mine crafter

Level 4: pipeline

 

Off the Grid: You've learned to channel your excess Glitter into the batteries you're always carrying, giving you a store of reserve energy for your blasters. Recharging a blaster with these batteries is a one-point action.

You have a maximum number of reserve charges equal to 5x[HERMIT LEVEL], replenishing every time you rest.

 

Pipe Dreams: You compulsively create an improvised explosive device every time you rest, and cannot derive any benefits from rest unless you do. You fashion these bombs in a fugue state from assorted garbage, so they cost nothing to produce but good luck explaining how you did it.

 

When thrown as a two-point action, your IEDs deal 1d6+2 ARTIFICE damage to a target within 5 squares as well as anyone adjacent to them. You can safely carry one IED on your person, but holding onto even two of them runs a 1-in-20 risk that every IED you're carrying detonates at once when you take any physical damage. The chance of such a detonation doubles for every additional IED on your person, up to 100% at six or more bombs.

 

 

Deadeye: Yours are the lightless eyes of a killer. If the maximum damage from a single shot with a blaster you're holding would reduce a creature to zero HP, you and they both know it when you look at them, and they'll react accordingly. If your eyes are obscured, only you know when this happens.

 

The Contraption: Your incessant tinkering has finally borne fruit in the form of a makeshift blaster of your own design. Choose what kind of blaster (handblaster, jitterblaster, rattleblaster, railer or boomstick) you've made when you gain this ability, and choose two elements for its damage type. You may change your Contraption's blaster type and/or elements while resting by irreparably dismantling other blasters with those traits, including bazingas.

 

Nobody but you understands how to fire your Contraption. It cannot recharge under its own power and must be charged with your batteries from Off the Grid. It is customary to name blasters after songs.

Mine Crafter: You may deploy your IEDs as mines on an adjacent square instead of throwing them. IEDs deployed in this manner detonate for 1d8+2 ARTIFICE damage on their square and adjacent when stepped on, shot, or otherwise activated with sufficient force.

 

Pipeline: You create an additional 1d6+1 IEDs every time you rest. 

addendum to my previous post, regarding chronicles of riddick

 oops