the dwarf poast

 this post does not start with the dwarfs please be patient with me i ghave had  a revelation about my writing methods 

 

    BLATT

"They talk weird, they move weird and most'll hardly look at gold, let alone carry it. But ain't nobody more sensible and honest and willing to land a hand or four than one'a them roaches, if y'just ask."
-- Drelilah Korbes, human hashslinger

"Grandeur is folly. Glut is poison. Humility is strength and to survive is to share."
-- Tzzk, blattonoid elder

Blatts (formally called "blattonoids", colloquially known also as "roachlings" or occasionally among themselves as the reclaimed slur "vermen") are a diminutive species of quasi-humanoid insects. Resembling nothing so much as cockroaches standing at just under two feet tall, each of their six limbs ends in a four-fingered appendage that serves as both a foot and a prehensile grasper. In Laurentia,

According to legend, the blattonoids once ruled a vast subterranean empire until property disputes spiraled into a vicious internal war that ultimate saw its destruction -- but so hardy and resourceful were the blatts that, hiding underground, enough of them have survived to recoup their numbers. Whether or not this tale is literally true, many modern roachlings strive never to repeat the mistakes of their aristocratic forebears... though the occasional outlier yearns strongly enough for luxuries or glory or excitement to break away from the humble asceticism of blatt society.

yknow i was originally writing this post about all the setting's playable species in the sorta psuedomythic published & polished phb tone i'd written the blatts' entry in beforehand but ive been fuckin wiped these couple weeks, man. i'm never gonna write this blogpost at this rate so instead of all that lame shit i'll just explain dwarfs like i'm Talking to you. i'm writing a damn Poast for my blog with an audience of like two discord servers and my ex-wives, not a book. what's my fucking problem why am i acting like this.


DWARF

society if being goth was normal

dwarfs are dour little manlets and maamlets and etc. who sorta look like theyve been flattened or crushed if you compare one with a human, wide and squashed in face and build. i draw them with big ol' eyes underlined by markings that resemble perpetual eyeliner and wide, thin-lipped mouths. their skintones are exactly as varied as those of humans but always desaturated to a grayish tint. 

my vision for their fashion hews kinda edwardian with 17th century baroque influence, especially among richer folk. canes are very on trend right now. im not a fashion history girlie but it is my hope, dream and belief that applying a laywoman's lens to white people history will produce something transformative and novel and not racist. among less bougie dwarfs, the look draws from, like, '60s british alt fashion with all the clannish enmity between youth subcultures that entails -- one such movement modernizes the aforementioned baroque influence into something resembling the shit teddyboys&girls were on.

i did not enjoy Variants Daphne, the dark fantasy gachaslop game-adjacent software that is the latest installment of the wizardry series, but its woefully bland setting contained exactly one aesthetic swing i was enamored with & yet have never once seen anybody else discuss. many of that game's dwarfs have hair covering most of their faces but for a single exposed eye. it's a fun, unique aesthetic twist, but this pearl is lost before the goonbrained slopswine who play this game, so lacking in any taste at all as to pog and point when the only one of the game's catgirls with any sauce at all gets an alt version that takes off her cool androgynizing mask and robs her of her angelically husky voice. absolute philistines, the lot of them. what was this post about.

right. i liked their dwarf hair gimmick enough to crib it lol. i could bullshit you some explanation about how, since the element of HOPE is found in the eyes and DOOM in the hair, shrouding an eye with one's hair is believed to balance one's humoral perception or something like that. but you and i both know i would be working backwards to build scaffolding around an idea that needs no justification beyond its own aesthetic merit. it fits my grim wee men, and that's all the damn reason i need! so it's fashionable and traditional for dwarfs to grow their hair out (all dwarfs are capable of growing beards, as an aside) and cover an eye; keeping one's hair short entirely out of their eyes is regarded as tastelessly immodest. it simply isn't done, save by the occasional adventurer or surface dwarf.

their gloomy subterranean kingdom holds a reverence for death, and dwarfish faith holds that a dead dwarf's soul must journey to the surface and the into the sky, where the terrible light of the sun will peacefully obliterate it at last. their naturally crow-brained fascination with shinies fuels an acquisitive culture that sees the dwarfish nobility scheming and quarreling to amass hoards of riches worth entombing themselves with. while this is plainly and obviously unsustainable, the nobility maintain the charade, however flimsily, by hiring thieves and mercenaries from outside the family to raid their own ancestral tombs (always trapped and guarded by thanaturgic constructs) to "recycle" their grave goods. when such a crew of tomb raiders is eventually caught, the scandal is not that the family have fallen to desperation enough to dishonor their own dead -- this is true of so many of their houses that it is in all their best interests to turn a blind eye -- but that they were negligent when it came to safeguarding their tomb. it helps, too, that there always exists a steady supply of have-nots who, in their desperation, turn to independent graverobbing -- and upon whom the temporarily embarrassed nobles are only too happy to shift the blame. all the while, a growing minority of dwarfs disillusioned with the kingdom attempt a perilous anabasis in search of a better life on their surface, becoming "sun-scarred" pariahs in the eyes of dwarfish tradition.

dwarfs have old puritan-style virtue names. their middle names are usually the first name of a grandparent of the same gender, though some dwarfs drop them entirely. trans dwarfs will sometimes go to a grandparent (living or not) to ask for permission to take on their name; coming out and the consequent renaming is a celebrated though sober affair. (Humility Toil-Without-Tears Fendrel, Home-Kept-Clean Suffer-Scarcely Quimble, As-Below-So-Above Charity Trumble)

IRK: My Precious... You must save SHREWD to discard or give up anything shiny, unless you're in a safe place like camp.
PERK: Pack Filler. You have +1 Blunt Resist and +1 Sharp Resist for every 3 occupied inventory slots.

more to come in the future. it turns out i like my writing a lot more when i just do it in a way i find enjoyable instead of forcing myself into a style i felt obligated to because of my subject matter. i'll probably do elfs next but my children the blatts deserve a real poast that actually says anything about them soon + i have yet more to say about dwarfs in future but now i am going to go cook dinner with my ex-wife and continue replaying divinity2. gootbye

laurentian elemental system (GlitterGLOG setting post?)

HOT is the element of passion and hunger. It is fever-pitch love, blood and veins and skin flushed red. Lust, rage, yearning. HOT is found in caffeine, gasoline, summer flings and your heart.

HOT damage manifests as heart palpitations, fever-sweat and, obviously, fire.

COLD is the element of clarity and detachment. It is sniper-stillness, ice, steel, glass. Calculation, lucidity, the wisdom of distance. COLD is found in mirrored sunglasses, the glint of a blade, untouched snowfall and your brain.

COLD damage manifests as numbing pain, stabbing headaches, forced dissociation.

WET is the element of excess. It is wine-drenched hedonism, mother-of-pearl and abalone shells, salt on your lips. It is ocean-as-expanse, boots soaked through, storm drains overflowing, liquor bottles rolling in the backseat. WET is found in petrichor, raw oyster, goldfish platform shoes and your tongue.

WET damage manifests as intoxication, drowning lungs, sensory overload.

DRY is the element of absence. It is cracked earth and dusty rooms, radio static and empty spaces on shelves. DRY is found in desert roads, pregnant pauses, vinyl crackle and your bones.

DRY damage manifests as dehydration, loss of memories, abrasion.

NATURE is the element of all that lives unfettered by the laws of ARTIFICE. It is coyotes in the suburb, mold on your bread, roaches in the corner. It is the billion-year memory of biting into meat. NATURE is found in the moss between the bricks, the sound of cicadas, the open sky and your teeth.

NATURE damage is dealt by animals and witches, sometimes. Wounds inflicted by weapons of NATURE are prone to rapid mutation, painfully filling in with fur and feathers before they can heal right.

ARTIFICE is the element of all we craft to keep ourselves above NATURE. It is plastic and asphalt, it is city becoming skyline, it is bread and thread and buildings and roads. It is a blaster in a glove compartment, the roof over your head, the wires in the walls. It is found in flip phones, cooked food, angels and your hands. (Nagas sometimes claim that their lack of hands explains or proves the absence of ARTIFICE in their bodies.)

ARTIFICE damage manifests as plastic poisoning, stiffening of joints, shrapnel in your skin, repetitive stress injuries.

DOOM is the element of knowledge. It is grave dirt and old tomes. It is the romance of tragedy, running mascara and the taste of cigarettes on black lipstick kisses. It is skepticism borne of age. It is picking your battles 'cause just ain't no winning sometimes. It is found in newspapers, dead channels, horses and your hair.

DOOM damage manifests as abyssal pressure, a lingering malaise, cold fingers feathering the small of your back.

HOPE is the element of belief. It is the lambent dawn, sugar rush, an audience screaming lyrics back at the band. It is the armor worn by the stubborn thousands who dream the world might be that simple. It is found in graffiti, birthday candles, the glint of the stars, and your eyes (though in most people it is not often visible).

HOPE damage manifests as bursts of delusion, an intravenous shot of confidence and joy, burdensome visions too bright to see, hubris overwriting pain, the ache of wanting more than this.

 

 

NOTES
sorry for waxing poetic about my stupid bullshit this has been swirling in my head for the past week

elemental system of this game has long been due for a rework. we didn't have anything like the NATURE/ARTIFICE line yet, and the "dark" and "light" element were Creepy/Righteous, the former of which was literally derived from a combination of Kingdom of Loathing's spooky element + enabling the possibility of Creepy & Wet damage. why did i do that. why were the design decisions that i made when devising my elemental system to any degree influenced by the fact that sometimes i can reference an ai-generated greentext meme. wrong with me.

anyway i like this system way way more because it feels actually elemental and not just a bunch of stupid bullshit i did out of obligation.

fully aware that doom and hope are homestuck aspects. also aware that they are not opposed aspects in that setting. i have not read homestuck and do not really plan to at this time. i might eventually. people who like homestuck keep saying i seem like someone who would have read homestuck back in the day and i'm never really sure how to take that.

oh yeah also ARTIFICE was called TECHNE at first but i wasn't really sure about that name. also considered CRAFT before tentatively settling on ARTIFICE. suggestions welcome. i don't want to do CIVILIZATION i think that sounds trite and pedestrian to have be the elemental opposite of NATURE even if that's practically what it symbolizes.

my Freaking ex-wife (who is historically and presently one of the most opinionated glitterglog enjoyers worldwide and thus the irl i go to when i want to iterate upon an idea im rotating in my head) was very vehement last we spoke on this idea that i call it artifice instead of techne and also that hope damage is goofy and stupid and that really i didn't need an elemental system at all, and i appreciate and value her very very much and think she is wrong on the latter two points.

UPDATE: mona total victory

 

specter and gallant  due for some edits in that like, specter's hot/creepy hell portal ability doesnt make nearly as much sense for doom & similar, but i did very much conceive of these new elements with those two classes in mind. specter was originally hot as in ghost rider and gallant cold as in woahhh coooool but frankly i think the new system implies much more fun characterization of hot as passionate emo and cold as chilled out detached dude. & doom/hope is way cooler than creepy/righteous i think.

blaster rules for glitterglog

I heard some folk round these parts were posting about gun's... Well, we don't know what gun's are in Laurentia but we do have blasters, for which my buddy Gigi Gutsygills and I wrote some rules many moons ago that I have, shamefully, neglected to share with my cherished readers for all that time. Let's fix that tonight.

A human blastermaster, made in Hero Forge by yours truly.

A blaster is sort of like a shitass retrofuturistic raygun with a wand for a barrel. I would have reflected this in the above model had Hero Forge a better selection of gun parts from which to kitbash such an implement but it didn't really. 

Blasters are a lot like gun's, but less lethal. A handblaster is analogous to a semiautomatic pistol. A jitterblaster is kind of like a submachine gun. A rattleblaster is a tommy gun; a rayler is a bolt action rifle made of a staff; a boomstick is a shotgun; and a bazinga is a rocket launcher.

There are no nonmagical gun's in this setting.

 

 BLASTER RULES

I need you to understand that I was a Tactical Breach Wizards fan before it ever released. I was one of the motherfuckers who watched every last dev video Tom Francis uploaded in the years prior to its release. This makes me cool and special, and I deserve recognition and accolades for having been excited about an upcoming video game.

 Firing a ranged weapon normally uses your SHREWD for its attack and damage. A range increment is how far a weapon can shoot before incurring penalty to hit -- For example, a handblaster has a -1 penalty if the target is 5 squares from its wielder, a -2 penalty if 9 squares from its wielder, and so on. Most blasters deal damage of a single element.

Blasters have twenty shots until they become dangerous to use. When destabilized in this way, they have a 50% chance to backfire and deal damage to you as well as your target. You can recharge your blasters at no cost when you rest. 

Piranha Launcher, Nick Southam

Handblaster: 1d6+SHREWD or SLICK damage. Range increment 4. One inventory slot.
You get a +1 bonus to hit if you finger-gun in real life as you attack.

Jitterblaster: 1d4+SHREWD. Range increment 4. One inventory slot.
Damage dice explode -- If damage roll is 4, you may expend another charge to roll again and add the damage together. This may continue indefinitely.

Rattleblaster: 1d4+SHREWD. Range increment 3. Two inventory slots.
As well as firing normally, you may alternatively expend three charges to spray and pray in a 3x2 area in front of you. If damage roll is 4, you may expend another charge to roll again and add the damage together. This may continue indefinitely.

Hired Gun, Eric Braddock. This fuckin Hearthstone set was one of the seminal influences on a much earlier version of my setting.

Rayler: 1d10+SHREWD. Range increment 6. Two inventory slots.
Shots pierce in a straight line -- roll to attack each other creature caught in line of fire too. Every target beyond the first takes half damage.

Boomstick: 2d6+SHREWD or STURDY. Range increment 2. Two inventory slots. Loud.
Instead of losing chance to hit with range increment, boomsticks fall off in damage. Costs 2 charges to fire. You gain a +1 to damage if you mime racking a shotgun in real life and make the appropriate sound effect.

Bazinga: 5d4+STURDY. Range 4. Three inventory slots. Loud.
Damage every target in a 3x3 area centered on any square within four squares of the wielder. If you are yourself caught in the explosion, you may reposition yourself up to [SUM] feet in the direction of your choice. Bazingas require a 1-point action to reload after every fire, and cost 5 charges to fire.

Also, I think Walfalcon's ska word gun's are a great idea but vehemently disagree that a gun named after Stupid Horse would prioritize and value nonlethal conflict resolution and have a distaste for killing. Stupid Horse is not an especially nonlethal song, not by nature. Thus I leave you here with a sentient blaster of my own.

STUPID HORSE

Stupid Horse is a sawn-down rayler; for all mechanical purposes, treat it as a handblaster that takes up two inventory slots. It deals HOT damage. Scrawled in permanent marker on its handguard are the words "LIVE FAST DIE LATER". A keychain charm of a dinky little misshapen horse hangs from its stickerbombed stock.

WANTS: motion movement the thrill of the chase
DISLIKES: stasis and languidity

Stupid Horse deals an extra point of damage for every step you travel the turn you fire it. It gains a +2 to hit when fired from a moving vehicle or steed. When it is unhappy, it fires with a -10 to hit.

all according to keikaku (GlitterGLOG class: SCOUNDREL (or, Heist Movie Rogue))

SCOUNDREL

 

An orc scoundrel. Made in Hero Forge by yours truly.

 

“There is honor among thieves. What of you, pig?”

 

Starting Equipment:

-a set of slightly rumpled formalwear (light armor) (1 slot);

-a fancy knife (light sharp) OR an engraved handblaster (COLD) (1 slot);

-a fake ID card from an establishment of your choice (0 slots)

-2 rations worth of goat cheese and crackers (2 slots)

Level 1: always prepared, you mean this?
Level 2: kitty’s got claws, artful dodger

Level 3: i've been expecting you, dramatic infiltration
Level 4: i steal his pockets

Always Prepared: When shopping, you may spend any amount of gold or barter to buy an Unlabelled Package. When the package is unwrapped, you declare what it contains, as long as the contents comprise the appropriate number of inventory slots, don’t cost more than you originally paid, and could feasibly be purchased. You can put multiple items inside a large Unlabelled Package, including a smaller Unlabelled Package. You can have up to two Unlabelled Packages at a time.

You Mean This?: Once per rest, you may retroactively declare that you stole something you plausibly could've taken from someone you got in close with by swapping it with an item of similar size that was in your inventory at the time.

By Evyn Fong.

 

Kitty’s Got Claws: You may always declare that you have a knife (light sharp -1) hidden somewhere on you. Even if your inventory is empty, you can reveal one as long as you’re wearing anything at all.

Artful Dodger: Once per combat per opponent, you may declare that you coolly sidestep a melee attack and reposition yourself one square diagonally from your current position.

 

I've Been Expecting You: At the start of an encounter resulting from the Heat Clock, you may explain how you knew the other party were coming. Your crew gets a guaranteed surprise round during this encounter. You may use this ability once per dungeon run. (Leaving and re-entering the same dungeon will allow you to use this ability again.)

Dramatic Infiltration: At any time you're not in immediate danger, you may declare that you are walking offscreen. While offscreen in this way, you may reveal yourself to have been a minor NPC in the background of any scene all along, as long as there actually are minor NPCs in the background of the scene. You can always walk back on stage at any time. This ability is limited by plausibility.

I Steal His Pockets: Replace the word “plausibly” in You Mean This? with “physically.”

When you retire a level 4+ scoundrel, you may later declare at any time that any single item from the retired scoundrel’s inventory was secretly placed into another player character’s all along. You may do this only once.

 

 Notes

this class has laid languishing in my drafts for like six months. i've had this queued since back when i was in college. i've been obsessively editing it ever since without sharing it. wrong with me, frankly. it's out here in the world. if there's anything more wrong with it i'll fix it with reception and feedback in mind instead of getting neurotic like this again. more posts soon. more posts soon. 

 

Chi Wen Tzu used to playtest his rules before posting them. The Master, hearing of this, said, "Writing them out is quite enough."